| you know the little status thing on facebook? the place where it has "David is _____" and you can fill that in with whatever you want. just a moment ago, i changed mine to "David is wishing he were more thankful." and it's true, i wish i were more thankful for what i do have. lately i've been wishing for a lot of things. i've been pouting over what's wrong with me, and wanting things to change, and just... desiring. not recognizing how incredibly blessed my life is.
and then i realized the idiocy in wishing to be more thankful, more content, more satisfied. wishing to be thankful is itself a manifestation of not being thankful. it's a way of pouting over what's wrong with yourself, not focusing on the blessings in your life. yeah, yeah, i know that's corny, but there's truth in it.
umm... i don't have much else to say right now.
i kind of just wanted to break this ridiculous two-and-a-half-month xanga sabbatical.
(let's hope the next entry arrives much sooner.) |
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| but now i have a really cool new one. the bad news is that i lost everyone's numbers in the process.
so, to make things easier on me, please give me your number if you feel compelled to do so.
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| the only class so far in my experience at northwestern university
during which i listened to 'mr. brightside' and made a xanga post.
ahhhhhh... northwestern. we love you too.
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| i've lost my ability to gloat. effectively, until nine o'clock tuesday morning, it was still summer for me. classes hadn't started. now it's back to that same routine of classes and mock trial and everything else that i was (am) ambivalent about. it's not that i never enjoy school or extracurricular activities; it's just that the banality of it becomes irritating quickly. the school year melts quite rapidly into a mind-numbing schedule of math, chinese, statistics, religion, mock trial, church, sleep, food, in some particular order.
because they consume it entirely, this itemized structure and its corresponding events become my life.
there's this song, "bittersweet symphony", by the verve. its title refers to life in general. it claims that the purpose (or at least the outcome) of life is to be a slave to money and then to die. "no change, i can't change," it goes. "and i'm a million different people from one day to the next."
i hate the song.
it bothers me. it makes me feel more bitter than sweet. it embodies what i'm -- what many people are -- afraid of. how could life be about making money... and then dying? i can't justify that life, which has the potential of being so full of brilliance and vibrance, is entirely futile. the sun may rise and set the same way every day, but it's gorgeous.
somehow the banality and beauty of life coexists.
there's another song that bothers me. "iris" by the goo goo dolls. it's a pretty song, but i can't but to feel empty listening to it. "i'd give up forever to touch you ... you're the closest to heaven that i'll ever be." the reason atlas shrugged depresses me is similar. the philosophy of the novel is to create the maximum utility possible here on earth, to maximize one's enjoyment during one's time here.
so the purpose of life, the reason why we're here on earth, is for... our enjoyment?
well... actually... yeah, kinda. but there's a key shift that needs to be made in those philosophies for them to be fulfilling. you shouldn't be willing to "give up forever" to enjoy earth. no, it's the exact opposite. it is for eternity that one should enjoy earth. because God is the creator, we should enjoy the creation. it's the handiwork of the Almighty. through an appreciation of the wholesome pleasures of the world and those dwelling in it, one comes closer to the God who created it, understands Him better, better recognizes His omnipotent, majestic nature.
that's not all there is to know God, obviously. but i think it's part of the key to understanding what life's really about. it's not futile, and it's not hedonistic.
it's something else, something much more fulfilling, satisfying, and eternal.
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